“There is nothing in this world that I can tell you that you already don’t know… you have just forgotten” Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now Have you ever had someone tell you, after several months of grieving, that you are on the right track? Many of us have felt the pain, sorrow and sadness that comes from experiencing the death of a loved one. The grief process can last a year or more. However, it is no longer necessary to suffer a long mourning period when what we truly desire is to remain connected to those who touched our lives.
Understanding how grief gets frozen and utilizing a new view can create peace now and keep their loving memory closer to your heart.
John Edwards is a tv personality, speaker and book author. He helps people find peace after a loved one dies by utilizing an albeit, unorthodox method. He states he has a gift; he is a “Ghost Whisperer"! Whether you believe souls are actually standing next to him on stage giving him messages to loved ones or not, in my estimation he imparted some very insightful information.
One day while flipping thru channels I came across a particular show where he was engaged with a family who‘s son died suddenly in what appeared to be a freak accident. He told the family not to be concerned regarding the moment of his passing because the images and information “coming through” to him from their son was about the accumulation of experiences that they all shared together as a family; Christmas, vacations, funny moments, childhood laughs and more. All this was to remind them that it did a disservice to his spirit to be stuck in grieving the accident as well as focus on the worry of possible malicious intent on the part of another. Instead, celebrate the totality of his life or being-ness. It’s as if he was saying, "Hey, I am still here"!
When the grieving process gets stuck it’s called Frozen Grief (J. Connelly, Ph.D., Rapid Resolution Therapy®). There is a particular moment in time that freezes in our mind when someone passes. This is especially hard if the passing was difficult as a result from an illness or accident. The thoughts and feelings as well as a mental picture of the moment or experience, that is meant to be processed then filed as a memory, actually gets frozen in time. The disturbance comes when we start to miss them and then desire connection to that person. Yet, since we are stuck in the pause position, remembering that one frozen frame, this creates distance. We can no longer access that person in a happy and joyful way, so the pain that we felt gets played over and over. The result is heightened grief that lingers rather than a sense of closeness.
Edwards , ingeniously hits on two principles of Frozen Grief. The first, that the experience of loss does not exist but rather is a perception. The second that with their passing, connection has been severed.
1. Loss as illusion: Connelly purports that you cannot lose what you already have. The only thing anyone can give us is the experience of them-self. For example, if you used to take walks on the beach with this person, then you have already had the experience of being with them; you already had 110 walks on the beach. You can’t lose what has been given or acquired. Also, you can’t lose future possible walks since they are experiences you have not had, they don’t exist, therefore they cannot be lost. So loss is an illusion. Moreover, love already given cannot be lost either!
2. Transformation vs. severed communication: As a child we are taught that when some one passes they go to heaven. Ask where is heaven? No one really knows. The implication is that it’s way out there somewhere in the cosmos, far far away. Additionally, when someone leaves their body the fear is that they cease to exist. This is when feelings of panic and pain at loss begin to take hold. What really has occurred is transformation. The good thing is, if they were suffering they are out of the body and are no longer suffering. Now just communicating differently. Our senses are attuned to engage in one way while in the body, now we just have to listen and engage on another level. Like a dog who can hear the high pitch of a dog whistle. Their senses discern what human ears cannot hear.
You might be thinking, “Yea, but where is the evidence”?
Many of us have experiences right before and directly after a loved one dies. There might have been a knowingness that comes to your consciousness, a touch of a hand on your shoulder when none else is around, a voice, an image or smell floats up to the senses. We momentarily have an experience so unique but fleeting that we are then apt to dismiss it as imagination instead of as communication. Yet, many of us pray with belief that God hears us. Could it then be possible that they hear us too? Think how happy your loved will be when you get the concept of transformation, like water that turns into an ice cube and back again-just a different form of the same element. Think how at peace you will be knowing that there is still connection now after the transformation or “passing on”.
Allow yourself to continue to communicate; pray, meditate, talk to them and send your thoughts across the universe. Love, Connect and Be at Peace.
Laura DelleDonne-Schmidt, LMHC, CHt. Director:North Star Counseling Services. Master Practitioner Rapid Resolution Therapy® and Rapid Trauma Resolution®.
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